SHOW NOTES EPISODE 12: It could all be so simple

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There is so much I don’t have. I fall into jealousy, watching other people have their ways, climb the ladder, build fancy lives in fancy houses with fancy cars --
and I rarely see what I do have, only what others have that I don’t. And I think it’s so easy to work and work and actually have the life you once dreamt for yourself but when you reach it, you’re too busy looking at others, looking at future you, looking over the shoulder, so you don’t even notice.


I have so very simple dreams, although they’re large, and I have found just a few things that make me feel calm and safe, happy to just be around. I tried to build my life on those things and exclude the rest.
I don’t have the house and the job, the car and the yearly holiday to Spain,
but I do have freedom.


I wanted freedom, in all forms, and I fought with all my power to build a life I wanted to wake up to. All my life I felt stuck in chains, by everything and everyone but then I found these few things that made me feel safe and calm and I ran with it.

I wanted location independence. I wanted the space and freedom to let my creativity bloom, as the wildest flower, and I wanted no boss or label, contract or rent to tell me to stay put.

I work really hard. I work all the time. I work every waking hour of every single day.
but I also never work, because this is all I wanted to spend my life doing, you see?


I wanted to write music, and I wanted to write books. I wanted to connect with people who are like me, and I wanted to build a supportive community where we simply make each other’s days a little brighter. A little lighter.
I wanted all those things and I wanted health. Physical health. Mental health. A deeper understanding and some sort of peace. I wanted no more anxiety. No more fears. 
I wanted to befriend this body of mine, and learn to work with it.

I wanted to study. Books and authors, literature and philosophies. Spirituality and politics. I wanted the potential for intellectual and spiritual growth and I wanted to do so without being assessed on it.

I wanted all these things together with my freedom and I spend so many endless days and nights cursing my ways because so often I feel like i d i d n o t m a k e i t.

But then I pack a bag and go away. I sit lonely on a beach, meditating with nothing but water infront of me. The sun is slowly setting over the horizon and the water is so clear, I’ve never seen anything so pure before, and I’m thinking: i did not make it... make what? I have my freedom. I have my music. I have my books. I am studying and learning, constantly growing, and I am befriending my body one day at a time, and I have simple dreams, although large, and I’m getting there. Slowly.

I think sometimes, I get so caught up in everyone else’s dreams. The record deals, the book deals, the charts, the magazine covers... i forget what it was i wanted in the first place...

i think sometimes we like to complicate things because we’re told we have to always want more more more, but ... it could all be so simple. Find a few things you love, some principles for your life, work hard on it and exclude the rest.

Today I woke up in a simple room with nothing but a bed and a white desk. I went running on the beach, i wear no make-up, I wear simple clothes. I eat local foods and spend no time on tubes or undergrounds. I bought a coffee and asked if I could have it take-away, but then changed my mind because I had nowhere to go but simply here.
I write and I read, work on my music, record my podcast, write letters to people I care about. I take care of my body, I take care of my mind, and it’s all so very simple.

it could all be so very simple.

MUSIC USED IN THIS EPISODE:
Dr. Toast - Book of Ingenious Devices >>>
The Glass Child - Dark Love (Stripped Version) >>>

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5am
again,
drunk on someone else’s love,
or couch,
and I’ve never felt more at home.

I fled myself,
from the life I’ve built
because I’ve been inhabiting routines I don’t want to stand for.

Inhabiting skin I’d rather shed
but still took on
like a soldier serving his country,
for that’s what they told me to do.
But I was not
strong
or wise,
but young and foolish,
for what is this thing? Trading passions for a tiny bit of acceptance,

and I am not a Sunday morning inside four walls
with clean blood
and organised drawers.
I am the hurricane setting fire to the forests
at night when no one else is alive,
or awake,
however you choose to see it,
and I live in my own flames.
Sometimes burning too bright and too wild
to make things last 
or handle
myself or anyone else
and so I run.
Run run run,
far and wide
until my bones ache and lungs split
and it feels good.
Hear that, people? It feels good,
because I am the slave and ruler of my own body
and I wish to do with it exactly as I please,
and living in this skin is hard and painful, most of the times,

because I never volunteered to take this on.

The daily sacrifice of heart over mind,
the forever on going task of explaining this and that,
and why I don’t want to look like this and
be like that
but still here I am and if this is the body I’ve been given I’m sure as hell gonna make it work.
If this is the place I’ve been given, I’m sure as hell gonna make this work.

So I fled the me that was never really me and I’m on my way. To newer lands and uncleaned streets
for I’ve had enough of childish safety in comfort.
Enough of all telling me to look and do, like this and that,

and I never meant to please anyone but myself
and you can call me selfish,
throw words like knives in the dark but I will not listen,
for not listening to sharp words brought me to where I am today
and I believe in the path I’ve been given. If my only task in this life is to walk it,
I surely will walk it
prouder than anyone else.

If this is the path I’ve been given, I will walk it
prouder than anyone else,
for no one else can.

// from my book You’re Doing Just Fine ☾

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