SHOW NOTES EPISODE 13:

Your Constellation

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You will find yourself wanting to leave and go home at the same time, and there is nothing you can do about this. You will find yourself feeling too large for your body, and at the same time find yourself with a body that feels too large for you, and there is nothing you can do about this. You will find yourself with a beautiful boy and you will not want to stay in that room, with him, even though there is nothing more you can ask for in another human being, and there is nothing you can do about this.

 

There is a constellation in the sky that was created the very second you were born, because no one and nothing was in the exact same position between the moon and the stars at the time of your birth, and this is your place in the universe. This is your spot to stand up tall because no one else was made for it, no one could have been, and neither will anyone else ever be made for it, and so you will just have to stay.

You don’t want to. I know. You want to inhabit others’ successes and luck and they’re smiling and building wonderful lives with people all around and you want to walk in their footsteps. You want to leave your own spot, your own place. You want to do it now. You’ve had enough.

 

You will make a plan and pack your rucksack one night when the time is right, and you will say you’ll be gone for a while, maybe come back, maybe not. You will choose a new name, a new haircut, dress yourself in all the clothes you’ve seen your heroes wear and you will inhabit a new character. You will sip coffee in secondhand cups at cafés in cities where people don’t notice you and no one asks if you cut your hair or if you’ve seen Sarah lately.

 

You will find people you’d like to call your friends but you will also notice that interactions are hard when the time won’t last and you will only go so deep until someone says “let’s just get another drink” and you will walk home alone or with people you can’t remember the names of, in the morning, but he was kind and took his shoes off in the entrance.

 

Back to your constellations; the only place you can inhabit.

 

There is a path that is yours to walk and maybe yours is where you stand right now, but maybe it’s not? Maybe you feel out of place, out of town, out of mind, out of luck, because you simply slipped too far away from your spot and you just need to find your way back again. Don’t rush so much. Ease into it. You’re on foreign ground, that’s why you feel so uncertain, so unsure. Look up, there’s a whole world out there to explore, and you have your own place in it. Isn’t it exciting?

 

There are things that will happen to you and there is nothing you can do about this.

 

You will say goodbye to someone you love, and someone you love will say goodbye to you; that he just does not love you anymore,

and there is nothing you can do about this. You will lose your credit card on the subway and you will have to walk home in the dark, with no money, and you will panic for a second and maybe call your father, cry, tell him you want to come home;

and there is nothing you can do about that.

Things will happen on that spot you inhabit and this is good, this is fine, this is all planned. Ease into it. Don’t rush so much. Nothing ever lasts, nothing ever stays. It’s exciting, isn’t it? Exciting beyond belief.

 

There are things that will happen to you and there is nothing you can do about this.

Isn’t it exciting beyond belief?

____________

This is a writing from my brand new book Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself

 

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5am
again,
drunk on someone else’s love,
or couch,
and I’ve never felt more at home.

I fled myself,
from the life I’ve built
because I’ve been inhabiting routines I don’t want to stand for.

Inhabiting skin I’d rather shed
but still took on
like a soldier serving his country,
for that’s what they told me to do.
But I was not
strong
or wise,
but young and foolish,
for what is this thing? Trading passions for a tiny bit of acceptance,

and I am not a Sunday morning inside four walls
with clean blood
and organised drawers.
I am the hurricane setting fire to the forests
at night when no one else is alive,
or awake,
however you choose to see it,
and I live in my own flames.
Sometimes burning too bright and too wild
to make things last 
or handle
myself or anyone else
and so I run.
Run run run,
far and wide
until my bones ache and lungs split
and it feels good.
Hear that, people? It feels good,
because I am the slave and ruler of my own body
and I wish to do with it exactly as I please,
and living in this skin is hard and painful, most of the times,

because I never volunteered to take this on.

The daily sacrifice of heart over mind,
the forever on going task of explaining this and that,
and why I don’t want to look like this and
be like that
but still here I am and if this is the body I’ve been given I’m sure as hell gonna make it work.
If this is the place I’ve been given, I’m sure as hell gonna make this work.

So I fled the me that was never really me and I’m on my way. To newer lands and uncleaned streets
for I’ve had enough of childish safety in comfort.
Enough of all telling me to look and do, like this and that,

and I never meant to please anyone but myself
and you can call me selfish,
throw words like knives in the dark but I will not listen,
for not listening to sharp words brought me to where I am today
and I believe in the path I’ve been given. If my only task in this life is to walk it,
I surely will walk it
prouder than anyone else.

If this is the path I’ve been given, I will walk it
prouder than anyone else,
for no one else can.

// from my book You’re Doing Just Fine ☾

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