SHOW NOTES EPISODE 24:

2018, The Year I Changed My Own Character

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2018.

 

The year I changed my own character.

The year I stopped fleeing.

The year I took responsibility of my own becoming.

Of my own happening. Of my own success and happiness, home and surroundings.

The year I learned how to quit being myself, and instead design a new self, deliberately, consciously, maturely.

 

The year my heart broke, quietly dying. The year the vision I’ve had for a peaceful future was erased and gone, the house I thought I was living in was thrown up in the air during the calmest summer day and I waved my arms screaming for someone to save me

but this was the year I learned to depend on myself. On my own ability to get by, when I think I can’t, and this was the year I became my own saviour. The year I built my own home. From ground up. A foundation to stand on. A stronger character. A loving heart.

 

Because when a heart gets broken, it’s wide open. 

 

When a heart gets broken, it’s wide open to take in and give out. To learn and to grow, stronger and wiser, and an open heart is a brave heart because it can feel and hear and see it all. An open heart is a brave heart, because it knows there’s no turning back. Only bravely facing forward, one foot in front of the other, slowly moving on to something better, something new.

 

This was the year I went to sleep some nights thinking, I’m done. Feeling finished. I had a good life. I learned a lot. the year i understood surrender. the desperate feeling of no longer wanting to be here, anyone, anymore, again. alone. alone. alone.

This was the year I sat down and faced the sky and screamed out with my arms wide open saying “i just want to rest! in peace? in quiet? in assuring knowledge that all will be well...?”

 

But no one will come and save you. No one will take your hand and guide you to a better life. You must create it yourself. You must collect your mentors, dead or alive, and you must accumulate wisdom and knowledge, visions and goals.

You must decide what you want with your life. You must decide who you are trying to be.

 

This was the year I learned to no longer depend on other people  to get by, nor be  stubbornly independent without any help from anyone or anything.

This was the year I instead learned to say: you can depend on me. I will be your stability, you can always count on me.

I said it to myself and to others, over and over until I believed it myself, and I made a promise to always know that I can count on myself to simply make things work.

and i will stand like a lighthouse in the storm and repeat over and over

you can depend on me.

 

So I sat night after night with only a candle beside me, studying the law of compound and effect. Manifesting and meditating, learning to believe in something higher, something more. Rewiring my brain, cell by cell, habit by habit, trait by trait.

This was the year I started breaking the worst habit of them all:

the habit of being myself.

 

I’ve been repeating my own story to my very own self, year after year, with no second thought. I’m lonely, I’m broke,  I’m quiet, I’m shy

but this was the year I learned that our biological identities can be changed, little by little, by  simply rewiring new patterns of thoughts and action.

So this was the year I changed. Redesigned my very own brain, myself and my world

and this was the year things started happening.

 

The world stopped pushing me away and instead I felt the wind in the back, slowly pushing me onwards. Like a small nod from the universe saying “finally, it took you long enough”

and this was the year I learned that the world can’t provide me with what I want, unless I am completely sure about what it is I want.

This was the year I went running at midnight, with the moon and the stars and I’m no longer scared of lonely moments ‘cause I know there is something higher guiding me forward, pushing me on, watching my back.

 

This was the year I stopped begging for things to happen, and instead made them happen myself. This was the year I stopped living my life according to someone else’s needs, and instead explored my own.

This was the year I learned to stop begging people to love me. If someone wants to go, let them go. This was the year I learned that every person who shows up in your life is there to teach you a lesson, and they will stay until you have learned what you need to learn. Then they will leave. If you want them to or not, and you must let them. And this was the year I learned that you must dare to leave something or someone completely, leaving that space empty and aching, in order to open up space for something new. And you must know that there is a new lesson and a new person, in a new place with a new life waiting for you.

and this was the year I learned that what’s coming is always better, than what has been.

 

Don’t hold on to things that are over. Let them go, bravely. 

If you let go a little you a will have a little peace; if you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace; if you let go completely you will have complete peace. ”

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5am
again,
drunk on someone else’s love,
or couch,
and I’ve never felt more at home.

I fled myself,
from the life I’ve built
because I’ve been inhabiting routines I don’t want to stand for.

Inhabiting skin I’d rather shed
but still took on
like a soldier serving his country,
for that’s what they told me to do.
But I was not
strong
or wise,
but young and foolish,
for what is this thing? Trading passions for a tiny bit of acceptance,

and I am not a Sunday morning inside four walls
with clean blood
and organised drawers.
I am the hurricane setting fire to the forests
at night when no one else is alive,
or awake,
however you choose to see it,
and I live in my own flames.
Sometimes burning too bright and too wild
to make things last 
or handle
myself or anyone else
and so I run.
Run run run,
far and wide
until my bones ache and lungs split
and it feels good.
Hear that, people? It feels good,
because I am the slave and ruler of my own body
and I wish to do with it exactly as I please,
and living in this skin is hard and painful, most of the times,

because I never volunteered to take this on.

The daily sacrifice of heart over mind,
the forever on going task of explaining this and that,
and why I don’t want to look like this and
be like that
but still here I am and if this is the body I’ve been given I’m sure as hell gonna make it work.
If this is the place I’ve been given, I’m sure as hell gonna make this work.

So I fled the me that was never really me and I’m on my way. To newer lands and uncleaned streets
for I’ve had enough of childish safety in comfort.
Enough of all telling me to look and do, like this and that,

and I never meant to please anyone but myself
and you can call me selfish,
throw words like knives in the dark but I will not listen,
for not listening to sharp words brought me to where I am today
and I believe in the path I’ve been given. If my only task in this life is to walk it,
I surely will walk it
prouder than anyone else.

If this is the path I’ve been given, I will walk it
prouder than anyone else,
for no one else can.

// from my book You’re Doing Just Fine ☾

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