SHOW NOTES EPISODE 8:

On Change & New Beginnings

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I’ve always found comfort in the way nature always has its way. It goes on with the circle of life, so to speak, strong and assured, and it never doubts. I find assurance in small features like the way the waves hit the shoreline and happily role back out at sea. Over and over. I find comfort in the rhythm of the sea. The ebbs and lows, every day, no questioning or doubt.
It’s the constant change of nature that makes me convinced that nothing is every supposed to be static or stay the same. Nature isn’t, the world isn’t—humans aren’t. I am not supposed to stay the same, inner or outer, just like the weather constantly pass over our heads, shifting from sunny to rainy to grey. From morning to midday to midnight. And it’s all perfect, just as it should be. It’s your made up expectation of how ”good weather” is. Sun makes the flower bloom, makes the grass green, makes the animals come. Rain gives the soil fuel, waters the earth, the flowers, gives oxygen to the air we breathe and washes all clean. The winter brings out certain animals and plants while others go to rest, the summer gives way for the rested ones and lets the winter creatures rest.


The world we live in is in constant movement, the earth is in constant development. It would be insanity of us to try to stay the same. We can’t go against nature, the natural flow of life, we must surrender to it and trust nature’s change to know what it’s doing—it’s been doing this far longer than we have, why do we not have more faith in it? You’re facing changes in your relationship, friendships, work and locations. You grow in and out of love, in and out of friendships, your interest for passions and hobbies flame and fade away, your jobs come and go, you move from cities, countries, change your ways to spend your days, your style, your hair.. and it’s all perfect—all exactly how it’s supposed to be. Don’t fight it.
I was in a time of uncertain change recently. I had built a pretty comfortable living for myself, but I wasn’t happy. I had for the first time moved to a town where I didn’t really want to live in order to be with a specific person. For the first time I’d met someone who made me feel calm and safe and thought that I’d like to build my life around him. So I moved. Got a flat, a closet, some shelf to keep my books on. I told myself I was happy, spent my days writing music and books, reading and running, doing all I wanted to. But I wasn’t happy.


I went on like that for a bit too long until I woke up one day and realised, it was time for a change. I felt dried up, my mind had stopped working, there was no more energy in me. Why? Because I had stopped developing with the laws of nature. I had dropped out of the natural cycle of change. I had unsubscribed and fallen down in a comfortable static couch, closed my eyes for way too long and didn’t even realise as the seasons passed me by. I wore the same clothes, walked the same
routes, ate the same food, listened to the same music. This is comfortable and easy. But it’s not right. And it can’t last forever because you will stay alive but not live.

So I ripped myself up and forced myself to leave. I found myself panicing about all the uncertain days ahead of me and I didn’t know how to handle it. I took my bike to the seaside one day, nothing than a hoodie with me, and biked until no people were around.


It was an early morning in April the sun reflected on the sand like it only does on early spring days. Fresh and pure, not heated up, just clean. The wind was chilly and the only sound came from the water slowly making it’s way up and back, up and back. I watched the clouds come and go, shaping and reshaping, never staying the same. I watched the sun make it’s way over the sky, never standing still. I watched the shoreline get further and further out, and then change it’s way back up again. It was all a big spectacle of change, constant movement, and it was beautiful. I found comfort in the constant change of nature, and I always wished to be a part of it, always wished to learn from the simplicity of calm living, never fighting against it.
I went home that day with a new peaceful heart, knowing that whatever happened from there on would be a new glorious beginning with new lessons and experiences and stories to collect.

 

MUSIC USED IN THIS EPISODE:

- Free 'Instrumentals' by Hyde >>>
- "Stuck in Standby" by The Glass Child >>>

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5am
again,
drunk on someone else’s love,
or couch,
and I’ve never felt more at home.

I fled myself,
from the life I’ve built
because I’ve been inhabiting routines I don’t want to stand for.

Inhabiting skin I’d rather shed
but still took on
like a soldier serving his country,
for that’s what they told me to do.
But I was not
strong
or wise,
but young and foolish,
for what is this thing? Trading passions for a tiny bit of acceptance,

and I am not a Sunday morning inside four walls
with clean blood
and organised drawers.
I am the hurricane setting fire to the forests
at night when no one else is alive,
or awake,
however you choose to see it,
and I live in my own flames.
Sometimes burning too bright and too wild
to make things last 
or handle
myself or anyone else
and so I run.
Run run run,
far and wide
until my bones ache and lungs split
and it feels good.
Hear that, people? It feels good,
because I am the slave and ruler of my own body
and I wish to do with it exactly as I please,
and living in this skin is hard and painful, most of the times,

because I never volunteered to take this on.

The daily sacrifice of heart over mind,
the forever on going task of explaining this and that,
and why I don’t want to look like this and
be like that
but still here I am and if this is the body I’ve been given I’m sure as hell gonna make it work.
If this is the place I’ve been given, I’m sure as hell gonna make this work.

So I fled the me that was never really me and I’m on my way. To newer lands and uncleaned streets
for I’ve had enough of childish safety in comfort.
Enough of all telling me to look and do, like this and that,

and I never meant to please anyone but myself
and you can call me selfish,
throw words like knives in the dark but I will not listen,
for not listening to sharp words brought me to where I am today
and I believe in the path I’ve been given. If my only task in this life is to walk it,
I surely will walk it
prouder than anyone else.

If this is the path I’ve been given, I will walk it
prouder than anyone else,
for no one else can.

// from my book You’re Doing Just Fine ☾

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