Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself
growing up is a wonderful thing to do
The 4th book from Swedish songwriter & author Charlotte Eriksson is a narrative journey of both prose and poetry, meditating on the joys and struggles of growing up. It's about consciously creating yourself, finding a place in the world and not being afraid to get lost on the way.
"I'm not everything I want to be, but I'm more than I was, and I'm still learning."
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I get so goddamn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days. It overwhelms me as I’m sitting on the bus, watching the golden leaves from a window; a sudden burst of realisation in the middle of the night. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. I’m alone as I’ve always been and sometimes it hurts.
But I’m learning to breathe deeply through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. To comfort my own heart when I wake up feeling sad. To find small bits of friendship in a crowd full of strangers. To find small bits of joy in a blue sky, from a trip somewhere not so far away. A long walk on an early morning in December, or a handwritten letter to an old friend with nothing but “I thought of you. I hope you’re well.”
No one will come and save you. No one will come riding on a white horse and take all your worries away. You have to save yourself, little by little, day by day. Build yourself a home. Nurture your body. Find something to work on. Something that makes you excited, something you want to learn. Get yourself some books and learn them by heart. Get to know the author, where he grew up, what books he read himself. Take yourself out for dinner. Dress up for no one but you and simply feel nice. It’s a lovely feeling, to feel pretty. You don’t need anyone to confirm it.
I get so goddamn lonely and sad and filled with regrets some days, but I’m learning to breathe deep through it and keep walking. I’m learning to make things nice for myself. Slowly building myself a home with things I like. Colours that calm me down, a plan to follow when things turn dark. A few people I try to treat right, even though I don’t sometimes, but it’s my intention to do so. I’m learning.
I’m learning to make things nice for myself. I’m learning to save myself.
I’m trying, as I always will.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Charlotte Eriksson is the author of 4 books, most notably a book of prose & poetry called You're Doing Just Fine, published 2015 on Broken Glass Records, and Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself, published 2018. Quotes and poetry from her books have been shared on large platforms such as The Artidote, Berlin ArtParasites and Word Porn, and she's had writings published on sites such as Thought Catalog, Bella Grace Magazine and To Write Love On Her Arm. Her books have sold over 30,000 copies worldwide.
At 18 years old she took off to London on her own to embark on the long journey of creating a life for herself. A life she could be proud of. A life that made her excited to wake up every morning. With nothing but a guitar, her stories and a dream, she spent a year wandering in England, sleeping at train stations, airports and helpful fans’ couches. Singing for whoever was willing to listen and collecting stories that she would later share in her first book ”Empty Roads & Broken Bottles; in search for The Great Perhaps”. Finding her fanbase through soulful connections by sharing her journey online, she started to build an exploding online fanbase of dedicated supporters.
Forward a few years and she has started her own artist collective Broken Glass Records, released 7 EPs and
3 critically acclaimed full-length albums, had her single ”I Will Lead You Home” reaching #2 on the Swedish iTunes-chart, been played on major radio such as BBC6 (UK), Sveriges Radio (Sweden) and 3FM (Netherlands) and toured all over Europe. She's published 4 books, telling the story of her wandering ways, life as an artists and travel essays on love and loss. Her books have been widely praised both by her music fanbase and by a new literary crowd of writers and readers.
Charlotte has taken on the challenge of writing comforting words on mental illness, depression, wanting more, growing up, heartbreak, chasing a dream and losing people.
She is currently living somewhere by the ocean in Europe, writing on her fourth book as well as writing a new album.
An excerpt from the book in spoken word format
It was all going too fast. Moments slipped by leaving nothing but flickers and momentary scars and I wanted to stop, right there, on that street, with those people, that taste in my mouth and never lose it. I wanted to feel things for just a little longer, make the spinning stop.
Those were my nights, my mornings, my moments.
They were gone too soon.
"A modern day vagabonding beat poet, a possible love child of Patti Smith and Jack Kerouac "
The 4th book from Swedish songwriter & author Charlotte Eriksson is a narrative journey from a lost and wandering youth, trying to find a place in the world, to slowly growing into a peaceful meditation on the joys of growing up, changing and befriending yourself. We get to follow a young woman, consciously creating herself, striving towards an adult self.
"Where are our heroes?" she asks. "Where are our role models? Why are we leaving youth behind and laughing at the ones who are still there? Why not help each other out instead? with a little grace. with a little compassion. Love for all and everyone around because we’re all stumbling or succeeding back and forth, every day, and I want more community. I want helpers and guidance. Am I helping someone?"
Charlotte helps by documenting her struggles, inner journeys and outer experiences, and she helps by sharing them with the world as boldly and bravely as she does.
"We’re all going through the same journey of growing from kids to teenagers to young adults to somewhat adult—to maybe a little calmer, to even more calm, and some lose their ways here but I want to speak up about it and hear that we’re all on the same journey. We’re all on the same road but it feels like everyone’s ashamed of walking this road so everyone’s looking down, trying not to be seen, pretending their feet are steady and not stumbling."
It's a joy to watch Charlotte's growth as a writer and young woman through these poetic lines.
– Amy Rose, editor
"I am entering a new phase. I am done with my childish sorrow. I no longer want to vagabond my way through life, a little to the right, feeling left behind. I want to become a person of warmth and integrity. I want to feel certain and at peace, knowing my own worth and ways, and I want to create my own self and my own life and I no longer want to feel left behind.
Maybe I can grow into someone I will be proud to be.
It’s time to grow into someone I’m proud to be."