If you say I have something to fight for, I will fight.
Dec 13, 2012 I want to write about the things that matter, that make your stomach turn inside out. My fingers run smoothly over the keys once they get started, like a ceremony of truth, no one's left in mercy. I indulge myself in my heavenly destruction and this empty bottle makes such a beautiful reflection in this broken mirror, reflecting the insides of my inconsistent mind. I follow my vein with the tip of my finger, the one that gets more defined every day, as if it's trying to break out and split my skin. From my hands, pressing hard over my wrist, up to my heart. It's still flowing in there, maybe, looks like a frozen river under this pale skin. There are days when I have to lie completely still for ten minutes before I can feel my own pulse, and it's beating slower, fading fast. It will get harder from here and I'm collecting my locks, writing my letters, isolating my walls. I never meant to make you concerned and please don't worry, but lover, it will get harder from here. I am not your weekend morning with coffee and roses. I am insomnia and nausea and every night when you're off in sleep I'm staying up counting my bones, discussing my choices with the voices in my head. I thought I could get rid of my old ways, my old habits, my old me this way, but I'm coming to the conclusion that one's own personality is independent from its body and so I can keep this up until there's nothing left but my skeleton, but my mind will still be in there, you see? And so now I need to study. I need to follow the signals from my brain to my heart and do you know any scientists because I am open for experiments. I am open for observations and you can study me like Woyzeck, use my very brain for analysis, because I swear I'm an exceptional case. It will get harder from here and December was never gentle with me, but I'm ready for battle. Don't worry lover, I've been sharpening my knives and I can sit in lotus for hours. I'm ready to face the monsters. You go your way and I will try to still be here, if you choose to come back. There comes a time when you have to make the decision to either surrender and let the storm bury every trace of your very existence, or to stand up and defend your own life. If you say I have something to fight for, I will fight.
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