The Year I Changed My Own Character
The year I changed my own character.
The year I stopped fleeing.
The year I took responsibility of my own becoming.
Of my own happening. Of my own success and happiness, home and surroundings.
The year I learned how to quit being myself, and instead design a new self, deliberately, consciously, maturely.
The year my heart broke, quietly dying. The year the vision I’ve had for a peaceful future was erased and gone, the house I thought I was living in was thrown up in the air during the calmest summer day and I waved my arms screaming for someone to save me
but this was the year I learned to depend on myself. On my own ability to get by, when I think I can’t, and this was the year I became my own saviour. The year I built my own home. From ground up. A foundation to stand on. A stronger character. A loving heart.
Because when a heart gets broken, it’s wide open.
When a heart gets broken, it’s wide open to take in and give out. To learn and to grow, stronger and wiser, and an open heart is a brave heart because it can feel and hear and see it all. An open heart is a brave heart, because it knows there’s no turning back. Only bravely facing forward, one foot in front of the other, slowly moving on to something better, something new.
This was the year I went to sleep some nights thinking, I’m done. Feeling finished. I had a good life. I learned a lot. the year i understood surrender. the desperate feeling of no longer wanting to be here, anyone, anymore, again. alone. alone. alone.
This was the year I sat down and faced the sky and screamed out with my arms wide open saying “i just want to rest! in peace? in quiet? in assuring knowledge that all will be well...?”
But no one will come and save you. No one will take your hand and guide you to a better life. You must create it yourself. You must collect your mentors, dead or alive, and you must accumulate wisdom and knowledge, visions and goals.
You must decide what you want with your life. You must decide who you are trying to be.
This was the year I learned to no longer depend on other people to get by, nor be stubbornly independent without any help from anyone or anything.
This was the year I instead learned to say: you can depend on me. I will be your stability, you can always count on me.
I said it to myself and to others, over and over until I believed it myself, and I made a promise to always know that I can count on myself to simply make things work.
and i will stand like a lighthouse in the storm and repeat over and over
you can depend on me.
This was the year I stopped begging for things to happen, and instead made them happen myself. This was the year I stopped living my life according to someone else’s needs, and instead explored my own.
This was the year I learned to stop begging people to love me. If someone wants to go, let them go. This was the year I learned that every person who shows up in your life is there to teach you a lesson, and they will stay until you have learned what you need to learn. Then they will leave. If you want them to or not, and you must let them. And this was the year I learned that you must dare to leave something or someone completely, leaving that space empty and aching, in order to open up space for something new. And you must know that there is a new lesson and a new person, in a new place with a new life waiting for you.
and this was the year I learned that what’s coming is always better, than what has been.
Don’t hold on to things that are over. Let them go, bravely.
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